Good Friends—Bad Friends

A YOUNG woman we will call Sarah poured out her heart in distress. A man she had thought of as a friend turned out to be a murderer. ‘If someone I trusted could do such a thing, how can I trust anyone?’ she asked. Her listener asked Sarah if she had known what kind of values the man had. She responded, “What do you mean?” Sarah didn’t even know what was meant by “values.” What about you? Do you know what your friends’ values are?

The answer to that question can literally mean life or death, as Sarah’s experience bears out. One Bible proverb puts it this way: “He that is walking with wise persons will become wise, but he that is having dealings with the stupid ones will fare badly.” (Proverbs 13:20) Yet, like Sarah, many people select friends merely on the basis of whether they “hit it off” or not—how they feel when they are around them. Naturally, we like to be with people who make us feel good. But if that is the only criterion for our choice, with little or no thought given to a person’s real inward qualities, we may be headed for great disappointment. How can you know whether a person has good values?

The Need for High Moral Values

To begin with, we must have our own good values. We need to know what is right and wrong, good and bad, and hold firmly to high moral principles all the time. Another Bible proverb states: “By iron, iron itself is sharpened. So one man sharpens the face of another.” (Proverbs 27:17) When two people bring ironlike moral strength to a friendship, they can help each other to grow, and the bonds of friendship between them will be stronger.

Pacôme, from France, says, “For me, a true friend is one who listens to me and speaks kindly to me but who is also capable of reprimanding me when I do something stupid.” Yes, our best friends—whether they are young or old—are those who help us to stay headed in the right direction and who correct us when we are about to do unwise things. The Bible says: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.” (Proverbs 27:6, King James Version) To strengthen ourselves morally and spiritually, we need to associate with others who have love for God and his principles. “When there was no one else in my school who shared my Christian values and beliefs,” recalls Céline, from France, “I learned the importance of having real friends in the Christian congregation. They have helped me tremendously to keep my balance.”

Sizing Up Potential Friends

If you are interested in making friends with someone you have met, you might want to ask yourself, ‘Who are his or her friends?’ The type of close associates someone has tells much about the person himself. Also, what opinion do mature and respectable people in the community have of him? In addition, it is wise to consider not only how potential friends treat us but also how they treat others, particularly those from whom they have nothing to gain. Unless a person displays good qualities—such as honesty, integrity, patience, and consideration—at all times and to all people, what guarantee is there that he will always treat you well?

Getting to know someone’s true character requires patience and skill, as well as time to observe the person in real life. The Bible states: “Counsel in the heart of a man is as deep waters, but the man of discernment is one that will draw it up.” (Proverbs 20:5) We need to talk to potential friends about serious subjects—those that reveal their true personality, motivations and, yes, values. What sort of people are they? Are they kind or cold? Basically positive and cheerful or negative and cynical? Unselfish or self-serving? Trustworthy or disloyal? If a person talks critically about others to you, what will prevent him from talking negatively about you behind your back? “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,” said Jesus. (Matthew 12:34) When it does, we should listen.